yinza: (Default)
[personal profile] yinza
All of a sudden this morning I missed my hour-long commute to school in Japan.

These days I have this horrible aversion to wasting time. I always have to be doing something, producing something, or I tend to be disappointed with myself. I tend to neglect things that are solely for my own enjoyment.

Travel has always been some kind of exception, though. If the getting from point A to point B is a necessity then the travel itself is already accomplishing something, even if all I'm really doing is sitting on a bus or a train.

My hour of transit between home and class was a liberation from this constant need for productive action. It was time that was already going to be eaten up. Anything left had some kind of sanction on it that it was purely mine to do with as I liked. I used to spend most of my mornings just listening to music and resting-- not quite dozing, but just that pleasant state before you begin to fall asleep when you might think about things or you might not. I would read manga or write letters or play Zelda. And I think it was good for me.

The main thing is that I just don't read much anymore. Reading a book requires the complete attention of my eyes and usually the occupation of my hands. I can't sew or draw or write while I'm reading, and therefore some part of me feels I'm wasting time when I do it. There's so much to get done, I can't afford to use up any time just sitting and reading.

I brought Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance along on the bus this morning. It's just a ten minute ride, but it was so calming. And then I got where I was going, and there was this little wave of disappointment because I know I probably won't pick it up again until tomorrow.
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December 2016

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